Make you feel my love.

I went to a club last night with Michael, a very good friend that has made a very needed reentrance into my life.  He always added an element when I was around him.  I always just kind of adapted his confidence and self-assurance when I'm around him and I must admit that feeling of empowerment and knowing that I'm not some ordinary not so unfortunate looking gent that trolls the floors of discotheques and scouring the corners of dives to find someone to take home to feel validated.  There is no part of ourselves that we ever felt the need to keep veiled.  I was nursing my five dollar Diet Coke and getting examined by the local talent.  I saw some old faces that I hadn't seen since I left for Austin in 2008 and they quickly disappeared into the crowd avoiding me.  About thirty minutes after twelve I was making my way to the overcrowded toilets and saw a very familiar man making out with another man at the bar.  My heart sank a little I must admit.  I exhaled and walked over to them and tapped the familiar scoundrel on the shoulder.  Rahim turned and presented a nervous smile.

"Hi.  I didn't expect to see YOU here tonight."

"A friend of mine convinced me to come out.  I took the opportunity since I rarely get it.  Who's your friend?"

"Jonathan, this is Kevin.  Kevin, Jonathan."

"How do you do?"

The guy threw me shade and then nodded his head.  Typical.

"Well.  I just thought I'd say hello.  I didn't mean to interupt."

Total lie.

"Goodnight, Rahim."

I turned to go.

"I'll call you tomorrow."

I turned back around.

"I wish you wouldn't.  Enjoy your evening."

I immediately walked back to Michael and requested that we leave.  I told him everything on the ride home.  I had once again put up expectations.  I find that when I do that I am setting myself up for a let down.  Eric would've never done that, I kept saying.  I miss him so much.  I finally purged out all of the heartache of not being able to even say goodbye to Eric or tell him that I loved him one more time or tell him that I wasn't given enough time with him..that I had so much more love to give.  I broke down over the fact that I didn't think he even knew that I truly loved him and that I can never and will never love another man the way I love him.  I might be a little broken up over him you could say.  After nearly an hour of crying on my friend's shoulder he put me to bed and slept on the recliner in my room to make sure that I knew that I wasn't alone...out of his own volition.  Rahim was a Mr. Right Now.  I'm still dealing with the fact that nobody will ever be as powerful as Eric in my life.  Nobody will love me so fully from a beautiful, vulnerable, authentic and organic place.  I love you Eric....wherever you are.