In The Gloaming

I spent my first night on a beach sulking and crying in a foreign land.  The stars fell into the sea.  I put this compilation together out of a few of the songs that were playing.  My feeling, my emotions are what make me human but I find that they are what are keeping me from truly unraveling.  My armor has fallen in a pile at my feet and I feel so safe to just let these feelings bleed out of me.

Summer Courses Over...Heading For Tel Aviv

After what seemed like an intense think tank session placed inside a pressure cooker summer courses are over.  I now get to relax and thankfully I have family that pitched in together so that I could go visit.  It's been over ten years since I was last in Israel.  This should be pretty interesting.  Two weeks of sun and being in what I remember as one of the greatest places on earth.  I will be in Tel Aviv-Jaffa for six days.  I'm really excited to see the renewed Israel Museum.  I'll be in Jerusalem for only a couple of days.  I plan on making a visit to the Kotel, or as many know as the Wailing Wall or Western Wall, to lament losses over the past few years.  I definitely intend to put a prayer in the Kotel about Eric and I.  I will then be off to the kibbutz where I will see more family.  Masada is beautiful and I worked there for a summer a long time ago.  I plan on not doing much work this time but just dropping by the Sea of Galilee and maybe letting some of this grief just melt off of me.  It has become a privatized kibbutz since I was last there so I guess I will see how the new take on socialism is now.  I couldn't have asked for a better gift from family so far away that has been so concerned about me.  Thank you so much Yuri for instigating this whole thing.  I am happy that my distant family took you in when I left so long ago.  I love you forever.  Maybe this time we won't have to sneak around so much. 

I Harbor No Doubts

On this day I broke a fever bred by the love lost almost two years past now with the calamities elicited by the fates.  I was sleeping to dream so that I could procure some solace in the meantime, and my slumber took most days and nights away to some place where I would not tend to my wounds.  I acquired sleeping medications and benzodiazepines from my doctor.  As of late, that fever was too much to endure.  Thoughts of where he his, if thinks about me, if somewhere he still loves me was driving me to carnal sickness.  I had gone days without eating or sleeping.

For a breathing I called myself "fortune's fool" partially to assuage my own guilt. In other words, I thought of the consequences of my actions as caused by fate or luck, and I was just a bystander or victim.  For another moment's passing I took in the weight of the world and considered myself my own saboteur.  I suppose the "fool" might be meant as a reference to a jester rather than just a patsy.  Now, guilt permeates me like foul humors on capricious tangents.  I don't battle it.  At first, I was trying to find comfort in accepting such an axiom.  Then it became pathological and took over my essentiality and my umbra.  Such a device is love and loss, especially when done by your own hand.  I was never unfaithful to him.  I found myself unfaithful to myself by not giving reverence to my own needs.  This festered to an abscess that was eroding my own humanity until it extravasated all over him.  Just when I think I have moved on I am beset by a marauding of thoughts of him like the haunting of a dead lover in an Emily Bronte novel.

Now, on this day, I've gone back to where I was before I found myself much altered by paying so much heed to things that are etched into my history.  Perhaps it is time for me to truly move forward as he so easily does.  He always used to be able to drop things that happened and move on with effortless ease.  I admired that and at the same time I loathed it.  I felt like "HEY!  I'm here.  Did you forget that I even happened?  Or is that the intent?"  I felt so left behind.  I felt given up on.  I felt truly bereft.  Now I am more atribilious.  I am trying not to let it all spoil me just as he is trying not to become an embittered, aged cynic.

To listen to our senses and our instincts at all times would keep us from adventure.  It also keeps us so inhibited with trepidation that we become shut ins inside of ourselves.  I refuse to be that way.  I learn from my personal history and I know that the only one that I want controlling me is me.  I do not want to dictate my heart with the beckoning of a man that is not me.  I've put myself first over this past year and a half and I am planets away from where I was.  That does not swear off any future fevers of loneliness and heartache but it makes sure that I am fashioned with the mechanisms and armor needed to fend off such unhealthy habits like dropping the life you know for another man and relocating to a wasteland.  I'll stay in wisemind as much as I can.

Closing and Opening

Well, summer courses are coming to a close.  For this I'm thankful.  To cram all that studying into such a short amount of time was a little more intense than I expected.  Lately, I find myself thinking about how I wish I could erase or fix things that are done and through.  I find myself lonely at times and try to comfort or cushion myself with daydreams or just a really good cry in the bathroom....sometimes the only place you can be alone.  It is taking more time for me to heal from this last attempt at trying to get love right.  Maybe somethings are out of my control.  Being one that likes to be in control it makes things a little more helter skelter.  Sometimes it seems like when I finally get a step forward I'll get knocked twenty steps back.  If I could erase and retract so many things I would but I can't and that really does kill when I allow myself to feel around in the past that seems so much like the present.  I can remember, like it was yesterday, leaving for Austin or phoning Eric all the time.  Pictures taken that truly are images of heaven that take me to hell.  I can't say just how much I miss him and miss what we had before that December night because the void that is there seems like a bottomless pit at times.  Oh.  To have something so amazing and so visceral and so great screwed up because you fell so short on yourself.  Beating myself up isn't doing any good but just picking up and moving on seems like I'm leaving so much behind.  I don't like to be the one to leave anything.  I know what it's like to be left behind.  I am all too familiar with that.  Perhaps that is why it is so awkward for me to leave anything.  It's hard for me to give up on anyone....well I give up on myself a lot but sometimes I don't even consider myself for consideration.  I'm ambivalent.  I'm complacent.  I'm idling by on a razor thin soundwave.  It'll get better.  I know.  And I know this time alone will be really good for me.  I'm making leaps and bounds in my life, career goals, and therapy.  I'm far from where I was even a couple of months ago.  I'm grateful for that.  I just wish there could be a do-over allowed.  Well a few of those would be nice.