Closing and Opening

Well, summer courses are coming to a close.  For this I'm thankful.  To cram all that studying into such a short amount of time was a little more intense than I expected.  Lately, I find myself thinking about how I wish I could erase or fix things that are done and through.  I find myself lonely at times and try to comfort or cushion myself with daydreams or just a really good cry in the bathroom....sometimes the only place you can be alone.  It is taking more time for me to heal from this last attempt at trying to get love right.  Maybe somethings are out of my control.  Being one that likes to be in control it makes things a little more helter skelter.  Sometimes it seems like when I finally get a step forward I'll get knocked twenty steps back.  If I could erase and retract so many things I would but I can't and that really does kill when I allow myself to feel around in the past that seems so much like the present.  I can remember, like it was yesterday, leaving for Austin or phoning Eric all the time.  Pictures taken that truly are images of heaven that take me to hell.  I can't say just how much I miss him and miss what we had before that December night because the void that is there seems like a bottomless pit at times.  Oh.  To have something so amazing and so visceral and so great screwed up because you fell so short on yourself.  Beating myself up isn't doing any good but just picking up and moving on seems like I'm leaving so much behind.  I don't like to be the one to leave anything.  I know what it's like to be left behind.  I am all too familiar with that.  Perhaps that is why it is so awkward for me to leave anything.  It's hard for me to give up on anyone....well I give up on myself a lot but sometimes I don't even consider myself for consideration.  I'm ambivalent.  I'm complacent.  I'm idling by on a razor thin soundwave.  It'll get better.  I know.  And I know this time alone will be really good for me.  I'm making leaps and bounds in my life, career goals, and therapy.  I'm far from where I was even a couple of months ago.  I'm grateful for that.  I just wish there could be a do-over allowed.  Well a few of those would be nice.